Relationships - Attraction vs. Compatibility
A friend has raised the topic about whether to base a relationship on attraction or compatiblity. Here is what I wrote:
Many have a misconceived view of Christians as being those who have to lose their freedom and they have to adopt a whole new set of rules. When it comes to talking about relationship, I guess after the most criticised "rule" of not being able to engage pre-marital sex, would probably be the "rule" of only marrying a Christian.
Whether it is a "rule" or not really depend on how your perceive things. Let me explain by way of an analogy that was used by a pastor in sermons once. All machinery and technical gadgets come with an operation manual. There are some people who are impatient and who think they know what they are doing and start using the machine without going through the details in the operation manual. There are the careful ones who would sit down, and see what the manual has to say. You may be in the first group and be lucky and manage to find a way of operating it the way you like. It may work but it may not be the correct way of operation and in the end, the machine breaks.
Humans, are like the machines in the above situation. We often neglect our operation manual (ie Bible). Our creator, God, has left us The operation manual so that we may not stuff ourselves up. You may see them as a set of rules, but it should be seen as a set of recommended ways to lead our lives.
So after half a day, which one am I opting for: Attraction or Compatibility? Neither. Why? Because both don't really last. After a while, you will get used to a person's appearance, so while it may be something worth considering in the short term, it is definitely not the key to a long term relationship. Neither is compatibility. Well it depends on how you define compatibility. If we define it so that it includes things like having similar interests and topics to talk about, I doubt that would last, because through time, interests change, and you run out of topics to talk about. Like my passion for cheesecake died recently (don't know whether it's because of me studying exams are what), that clearly shows that if relationships were based on "cheesecake-compatibility", my relationship would have been flushed down the toilet with that last bit of cheesecake!
So what should relationships depend on? While 1 Corinthians 13 is a good starting point in showing us how to love in a Christian manner, I personally feel Psalm 118:8 is better: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to depend on man". From this, I mean that instead of placing our relationship on the earthly foundations of attraction and compatibility, we should place our relationships on the foundation of the Lord.
The world is full of uncertainties. There is no way where we could depend on ourselves to trust each other. Relationships would only work well if there is a 3-way bond between male, female and God so that it is not each other that we trust in, it is God whom we trust in Who will make the relationship work. That is the reason why Christians should have relationships with Christians, in order for them to set a 3-way foundation to make the relationship grow.
It's not a rule, it's just there for our own good.
Many have a misconceived view of Christians as being those who have to lose their freedom and they have to adopt a whole new set of rules. When it comes to talking about relationship, I guess after the most criticised "rule" of not being able to engage pre-marital sex, would probably be the "rule" of only marrying a Christian.
Whether it is a "rule" or not really depend on how your perceive things. Let me explain by way of an analogy that was used by a pastor in sermons once. All machinery and technical gadgets come with an operation manual. There are some people who are impatient and who think they know what they are doing and start using the machine without going through the details in the operation manual. There are the careful ones who would sit down, and see what the manual has to say. You may be in the first group and be lucky and manage to find a way of operating it the way you like. It may work but it may not be the correct way of operation and in the end, the machine breaks.
Humans, are like the machines in the above situation. We often neglect our operation manual (ie Bible). Our creator, God, has left us The operation manual so that we may not stuff ourselves up. You may see them as a set of rules, but it should be seen as a set of recommended ways to lead our lives.
So after half a day, which one am I opting for: Attraction or Compatibility? Neither. Why? Because both don't really last. After a while, you will get used to a person's appearance, so while it may be something worth considering in the short term, it is definitely not the key to a long term relationship. Neither is compatibility. Well it depends on how you define compatibility. If we define it so that it includes things like having similar interests and topics to talk about, I doubt that would last, because through time, interests change, and you run out of topics to talk about. Like my passion for cheesecake died recently (don't know whether it's because of me studying exams are what), that clearly shows that if relationships were based on "cheesecake-compatibility", my relationship would have been flushed down the toilet with that last bit of cheesecake!
So what should relationships depend on? While 1 Corinthians 13 is a good starting point in showing us how to love in a Christian manner, I personally feel Psalm 118:8 is better: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to depend on man". From this, I mean that instead of placing our relationship on the earthly foundations of attraction and compatibility, we should place our relationships on the foundation of the Lord.
The world is full of uncertainties. There is no way where we could depend on ourselves to trust each other. Relationships would only work well if there is a 3-way bond between male, female and God so that it is not each other that we trust in, it is God whom we trust in Who will make the relationship work. That is the reason why Christians should have relationships with Christians, in order for them to set a 3-way foundation to make the relationship grow.
It's not a rule, it's just there for our own good.
OK, so I've been christian for almost 4 years now. I'm a single mom and just started dating last October after being on my own for 3 1/2 years. So, ask me if I've dated a Christian. The answer is "NO"! I've dated believers, but no Christians...why? Because none of them like me. I'm attractive, professional, funny, good personality, and truly love the Lord. SO what's the problem? Sometimes I think that Christian men just don't like me, or that maybe God warns them about me. Or perhaps they are just looking for perfection, and that is NOT me. I've done the whole counselling thing, joined lifegroups, abstained from sex, but nothing, not one bite. So tell me, what's a girl to do? Most men who are Christian believers are not going to wait until marriage for sex. Period. I'm not naive(sp?) enough to think that will happen. So, I sit and wait for Prince Christian Charming to walk into my life on a tip from God, and I don't hold my breath. I'm beginning to think that I may have to alter my list of what I truly desire in a man. The first on my list is a man after God's heart...so of course all the guys I've been dating recently are named David! I call it God's little joke. Only one is a true Christian, and he lives on the other side of the country! We email, but that's it. So, any advice? I'm thinking I may just have to lower my standards and settle for a believer and know that sex before marriage will just have to be something I give in to. It's not what I want, but I'm getting antsy. Any thoughts???
SingleMomE
Posted by
Unknown |
1:24 pm, June 12, 2006
Very interesting of what you wrote and I have to agree about "It's not a rule, it's just there for our own good. " and "a 3-way bond between male, female and God". A lot of people think Christians are far better wives and husbands materials compared to non-christianes and this often made me debate with them. I can accept Christians when thet say that the reason that they want another Christian is because they want someone to have the same set of values in God's word. However, a lot of people these days neglected this view and simply go straight into thinking "I am a Christian, I need another Christian, coz the bible say so."
In order for a relationship to last, yes you needed God to guided you. However, you needed attractions as well as compatibility. Sometimes attraction is not based on appearance, it also can based on internal. Like when you know someone long enough that you found his/her internal attractive. You must need compability in order for two people to last as well.
I dont agree with Brian that we married someone coz we needed him/her. I rather stay single than marrying someone I need rather than someone that I want + need and what God wants!
As you mentioned, this world is full of uncertainties, this is why when two people are together, you must need adjustments to please God as well as your partner. We are all sinful and we are not perfect, this is why we change. I am not good at quoting bible phrases, I think in order to get closer to God, it is not just quoting phrases from the bibles, but it is about fully understand his meanings and the level of your holy spirit. Most importantly~~**FAITH**~~.
I have to admit I dont follow the bible as other Christians, for instance, I dont think I will only like Christian guys, but I know I want my bf to go to church with me and accepts God's word.
Let me ask you a question, will you like someone when there is no attraction and you guys are not compatible? Seriously, you want someone to have the same God's value as you, I think this is already belonged to compatibility. :P
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:25 pm, June 12, 2006
Dear SingleMomE
I pray for your pain and your frustration. I pray that you will fix your eyes on the ultimate prize and run for it with all your strength, heart and soul. I pray that you will be given what you need.
Posted by
Jot.. |
1:10 am, June 17, 2006
Dear Anonymous
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,..."2 Timothy 3:16 (NIV)
If God speaks to you, will you only listen to the words you want to hear?
Please be encouraged to continue commenting on our blog!
Posted by
Jot.. |
1:24 am, June 17, 2006
Ok you Christian dope!
Let's start with the book you hold so dearly as the rightous book of all knowledge. Abraham had sex with his niece! Mary the mother of Christ was clearly had sex with someone (maybe even God), and how was it that she explained to poor husband Joseph that she was pregnant to someone else, and how stupid was he to believe that she concieved a baby without having sex.
Jesus was shacked up with Mary (who by all accounts was not a prostitute) and probably actively having sex!
Abstenance from sex is nothing more than historical fragment that has nothing to do with a belief in God and everything to do with the controling ways of the church that you so blindly follow.
Religion is not about faith and it matters little what you believe, only what you do. Religion is about control, it is mechanism developed pre Christ to create social order and maintain control. To this end it seems to have been somewhat successful with your feele mind.
It's fine for you to not want to have sex before you get married. But don't blame God. So are far too pure of soul to watch porn, and you've probably never masterbated either! I'll bet you do both, most likely at the same time. So it's ok to pleasure yourself, while watching some girl being shagged silly as long as it's not your girl friend. You sanctimonious little twat. Stop immposing your own arcane views on the rest of us trying to be happy and not feel guilty about it.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:53 pm, June 19, 2006
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Posted by
Jot.. |
11:15 pm, June 27, 2006
So you don't believe there is a God. And you define religion as a set of rules made up by those who believe in God. Or you believe in a God who has no demands on His creation.
Christians Love God and All that God loves. They are free from laws.
Posted by
Jot.. |
11:20 pm, June 27, 2006